Freedom: Undefined word -- try again in few years

Thursday, May 15, 2008
Hatred, such a strong unhealthy feeling.. but I just can't help but hate it here.. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT.. I want to shout it at the top of my lungs so everybody can know that I just can't stand it here.

The curfew that started at 9 PM last Friday was only temporarily stopped at 6 AM today and is going to start again at 6 PM until further notice. Yesterday upon hearing the news I couldn't believe I was going to college again.. but little by little I discovered that none of the female students is going to college and so I reluctantly decided not to go either.

Mom however was going to her college and since she was driving and going alone I wanted to go with her to get some fresh air at least.. I went down to tell her my decision but she was asleep and so I just set my alarm to 7 AM and slept.. I woke up sometime in the morning only to realize that I have failed to wake up in time, it was 8:30 and it was too late: mom is gone. There wasn't anything to do if I woke up so I closed my eyes only to be awaken by mom after what seemed like only minutes later.. it turned out to be 1 PM however!!

In college mom said they only gave them the salaries.. Students weren't even allowed to enter the university campus at first.. and when they did get it there were no lectures of course.
Students who live in the campus were told to leave to their cities..

Knowing how bored I am and that it was the only time I go out of the house (in my dreams that is) mom has stopped complaining about me waking up late thus avoiding a much expected lecture about my wanting to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and a probable weep that accompanies it.

So what am I doing at home? Sleeping of course, watching a little bit of TV, lots of internet aimless surfing and eating. I wanted to study but it's like there's some strong force that drives me aways from it, always telling me that there's going to be time tomorrow, which happens to be a mere silly repetition of the day before (I can't believe I actually believe this excuse either!)

Possible results of the curfew are (unless I killed myself before its end): gaining some weight, getting back to my natural skin color and I think I am going to be a claustrophobic.


**************

After writing this post we got visitors, only an hour before the end of the curfew.. My most favorite cousin and his wife, both of which I really love and appreciate. Then dad thought of walking to some nearby shops and since I was dressed and all, I decided to go with him.. It was good to breathe some air and see some smiling faces, and there still were some cars in the streets so it felt a bit normal. Upon returning I found HNK and mom playing badminton in the garden, I hurriedly wore my pants and went out to play after little encouragement from mom..

In the beginning I was really bad.. and in the end I was really bad too! but there were minutes of shear excellence in between :) The element of surprise was by my side especially after many successive failures at getting the shuttlecock to fly to the other side :D
It was really so much fun and we're going to do it again tomorrow inshallah although grandma is really worried about the grass, and I'm not sure I can move my arm tomorrow..!

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posted by Najma at 7:00 PM, | 8 comments

Postponed

Sunday, May 11, 2008
For the last two weeks we've been receiving lots of visitors, some come in the morning when I'm in college and some come in the afternoon. Mom can't do all the work herself since she has to sit with the visitors and so one of us (me and HNK) has to be there to help, and sometimes the two of us. From 4:30 till 7 and sometimes 8 PM the house is never empty of guests. I come back from college at around 3, take a nap and wakeup to get dressed again and help. When it's all over I just can't study.. I try but can't manage more than an hour of reading. Thankfully we haven't been taking much this week so it wasn't very bad, which is why I was obliged to work more than HNK who had exams.

D -my classmate- came up with an idea that he hesitatingly proposed and got the satisfaction of the class. He thought we should have a 2-hour break, have lunch and do some activities (jokes, poems, ..). My friends were very excited but having been socializing non-stop lately, unlike them, I wasn't excited at all. It was only the fact that we're going to have la7m b3ajeen for lunch (which I have been craving for for say.. 4 years!) that made me willing to attend. The party was scheduled on Sunday after 12 o'clock and was agreed on by the head of the department, the students did their best to get my approval.

La7m b3ajeen, a peace of paste with meat, tomatoes and onion as toppings.. since I don't eat tomatoes nor onion, I was under the impression that I was going to hate it and so never tasted it until I was around 14, and then I just fell in love with it. It has to be from the suq though, and straight from the oven.. and it would be heavenly if it had a well-shaken egg on top of it making it ever more delicious.. Just writing about it makes me smell it. Upon complaining about having not eaten it for ages, dad said that he'd take me to eat after the war.. of course I started laughing and told him there was no need to continue.

My day-dreaming about La7m b3ajeen for the last few days made me worried that it might not taste like it used to.. maybe the shop they'll buy it from won't be as good as the one dad used to buy it from.. maybe it'll get all pasty or maybe there will be large un-ignorable pieces of onion.. I was growing less and less excited about the party.

On Friday night they announced a curfew until further notice. I finally had time to study. I had to write a report for the lab and they told us it was not allowed to type it this time, it has to be hand-written. It was about counters. It was very annoying to draw all the block diagrams and timing diagrams by hand.. and by the time I came to the experiment results I was under the strong impression that the results weren't accurate at all.. As I got to the discussion questions, I was actually praying the "further notice" wouldn't be tomorrow. I desperately needed to check the results with the graduate students working in the lab and the la7m b3ajeen is so not going to meet my standards!
Time went by and there were no news whatsoever of the curfew.. I wrote a whining message for my friend who replied whinigly as well saying she didn't finish the report either and that she thinks the curfew would still be on, and that was that..

Now it's Sunday, 12:30PM, I'm trying to convince myself that I really need not worry about the report till next week but my head just can't help not thinking about it.. and after writing this post I really really want to eat la7m b3ajeen :((

My sister and her husband have rented a house in a suburb near Mosul where they both have to work for some time.. They went there with few of their belongings to check the place and now they're stuck.

Dad is doing very well.. his next operation was scheduled on the 15th next month, I could only wonder who's put a curse on my when I heard the date, that's right in the middle of the finals! Upon seeing the frightened faces of HNK and myself dad decided to put off the operation until the end of the exams thankfully.

Other than the gossip and rumors, Mosul has been very quiet these last two days.. I'm hoping the curfew wouldn't last long or else we aren't going to finish the curriculum and the finals might be put off too and we'd be so doomed! Planning is such an impossibility here.
 
posted by Najma at 12:48 PM, | 8 comments

Good News

Friday, May 02, 2008
In the midst of the war and all the bad news we hear everyday, I have grown rather accustomed to bad news, the good news are the ones that affect me most.
It's true that I get depressed quite often but I find myself a most optimistic person. The full half of the glass is all I look at most of the time, always ignoring the presence of the ever-devastating empty half.
I think I have actually locked up that part of me that feels sad and vulnerable long time ago.

I was in college last year when I read an SMS from my cousin giving me condolences on the loss of my grandfather, that was a shock because I didn't even know he was dead then, but I was expecting this everyday. I only shed few tears and then waited in silence for the driver to come. Even those classmates who were standing by me didn't know I have just heard of my grandfather's death, only one who asked me why I looked so grave then. All I could think of was that he is finally resting and free now.

Few days ago when I heard about dad's illness, then too I only shed few tears that nobody noticed either. Dad looked strong, mom looked strong, there's no use in crying so let's just live it through and it shall pass. And if it wasn't for the long time of waiting before the exam, not even my close friends would've known about it.

Yesterday we got the biopsy results, it showed a stage A cancer (Luke's classification), this means that dad would probably be in no need for chemotherapy inshallah. We were very thankful it ended at that and nothing worse.

A surgeon relative was changing dad's bandages yesterday when I passed by the room and noticed mom trying to avoid looking at the wound and seemed very disgusted so I volunteered instead. I inspected the wound and the colostomy and learned few new interesting things that I am going to brag about as long as I can.. HNK is so going to hate me!
Mom admired my strong heart.. but I doubt I even have one.
Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “This is what I need.” It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege!! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow. Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures, followed by wreckage, were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.

~ Joseph Campbell
 
posted by Najma at 2:20 PM, | 16 comments

Exams.. of all kinds

Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I just don't know how to begin, so much has happened these two weeks. I had exams as I told you earlier but half the way through the exams and after dad had a colonoscopical examination it turned out he needs an operation and needed to have it as soon as possible. Colonoscopy revealed ulcer and multiple small fungating tumors that caused partial obstruction of the intestine (this line was written with the help of my sister, of course). I overheard this accidentally since mom and dad had decided to hide this as long as possible so we could study!

The surgery was scheduled on Sunday, I had an Electromagnetics exam at the same time of the operation. Both the exam and the operation were delayed since the roads were blocked; many students couldn't reach the university on time. The surgeon's neighborhood was surrounded, the ambulance couldn't get to him, they had to call the police so they can escort him to the ambulance and they arrived at the hospital two hours after the scheduled time. There were about 12 doctors (friends and relatives) at the OR and if it wasn't for all the calls they've made the operation would have probably been delayed for a later date.

The surgery went well but there was more at stake for dad than expected.. They had to remove the sigmoid and do a temporary colostomy which he is going to have to remove in another operation in three weeks.

I couldn't go to the hospital and see him. I had to wait in college for two hours and a half after the exam every day because I had to go back with my cousins.