A Star from Mosul

Breathing slowly.. In and out..that's what I have to do to keep myself from crying, and stay alive.
I'm more depressed than I've ever been in the last year I think.
It's weird. I thought going to college would be all I need.

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Most of the lecturers this year are very educated, mostly professors with PhDs. I feel stupid. Is it possible that I have forgot so much of what I've studied before, or is it that my brain needs to be reactivated? I am so not used to keeping silent and having no answers..

Our classroom is in the 2nd floor, we have to go up 44 steps to get to it, down 44 steps to see people, we're so isolated.. We do this more than 3 times a day, my legs are killing me now.

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I'm sick of talking about the bad situation.. I just hate the mornings, there's always shooting and many explosions. I always have doubt that I'll not make it to college, the roads are rarely open.

I'm so very very depressed.. I almost cry everytime people ask me why I look so sad. I can't even see the full half of the glass I used to cling to.

My cousin drove me home the other day.. I used to go to college with dad, and my friend's father would drive us home. Now, and since my friend has failed and is still waiting for the first-graders to start college, I have a problem going home when it's not at the same time mom finishes her work.
When my cousin drives me, I feel the need to keep talking, I just hate the silence. But because of my deep depression, and to keep myself from crying, I didn't talk much this time.. I concentrated on the road, something I rarely do (I still haven't learned the way to my school, I can't get my brain to concentrate on roads at all). I couldn't believe all the wreckage on the way.. Building after building, destoyed, burnt.. Black signs announcing deaths.. Smoke from a new explosion. We had to stop few times to clear the road for the police or the Americans.
I asked my cousin about a destroyed building I haven't seen before, he said it was months ago.. I was shocked; I didn't ask about the ones that followed.

I had to look for a car to drive me to and fro college daily, I finally found one, and a classmate with a nearby house is coming with me.. Yesterday was the first day he was supposed to come and drive me to the university.
I woke up at 6:40, he was supposed to come at about 7:30 when the roads to the university aren't very crowded. I got dressed and had my breakfast and decided to go online till it's time.. There was an explosion, then shooting. I left the computer.
Dad went out and checked, the driver will have to use another road to get to our house, the street was blocked.
I went outside waiting, it was time and they weren't there.. Helicopters were hovering above the house..
I called my classmate many times but the signal was very weak. When it finally rang she picked up and told me there were Americans searching the cars and she has to hang up.. At 7:45 she called saying they can't reach the house. Dad drove me to college, we had to drive over about 4 pavements, going through wreckage and severely damaged roads.
I arrived to college at time.. my classmate about 20 minutes later, another classmate in the same neighborhood arrived 2 hours later.
I spent the rest of the day sighing, and the road back hearing all the bad stories of death and killings I could stand to hear from my classmate.

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That's not what I call home.. We're really strangers in our country.. oh well, excuse me, I don't think "our" should be used anymore.. I'm not sure whose country it is, but it's not mine for sure.

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A classmate's brother was injured with a shrapnel and died on the first day of Eid. She came to college wearing black. We gave her our condolences. She started crying, my friend started crying with her.. We would've all started crying if it wasn't for that new lecturer who shouted at us for not going into the lab at time.. we all hate him now.
She's the second classmate who lost her brother this year.

Labels: college, depression

First of all, I'd like to wish a happy Eid for all the Muslims around the globe.

Today is the third and last day of Eid. We've been very busy the last couple of days with all the visiting relatives. It's the first eid after grandpa's death which is why everyone is visiting to check on us. Normally therefore, we didn't step out of the house, always expecting visitors.

Still, eid is fun, I don't really mind not going out as long as I'm in constant contact with people.

The situation in Mosul was very tense, a big explosion in Al-Sina3a neighborhood (Thursday, 11/10) resulted in fire which wasn't extinguished till Sunday. Relatives passing by the place said it was still smoking and that there were people loading their cars with things from the shops there, not sure if they are looters or the shop owners.
The neighborhood, as its name implies in Arabic, is an industrial one. Full of small shops for repairing cars and the like.


Moving to another, pleasant subject:

Aya and Ayman are doing great, especially after they started to attend the kindergarten together.
Aya's almost treating Ayman like a mom, occasionally calling him habibi (love) and kissing and complementing him for his good behavior. Ayman on the other hand is getting naughty and breaks at least a thing a day.

I've managed to get him to love me (or well, at least not hate me like Aya did) and obey me at the same time. When he sees my cellphone, he gradually reaches his hand for it while at the same time smiling at me and asking for permission, and when I say no, he stops like nothing has happened, though his mom's orders are another story, he only replies by saying: Haaaa? and keeps doing (usually destroying) what he's doing.

And there are always joined-efforts of destruction by Aya and Ayman: Ayman played with his mother's cellphone and made it dirty, at least that's what Aya said when asked why she's soaked it in water!

My brother-in-law is complaining about how Aya is controlling everything he does; whenever he tries to eat something she quickly demands that he leaves her some of it.. I've seen that too, and I thought I've gone entirely mad when she asked me to stop drinking Pepsi 'cause she wants the rest. The last thing I need is another person to push me around.

I'll soon start going to college, maybe tomorrow, not sure..

Labels: aya, ayman, eid, explosion, family

Today was supposed to be the first day of the academic year, the vacation is officially over. But we knew it wouldn't really start until Ramadan is over, and Eid has passed, since it's hard to go to college in this weather without eating or drinking.

Few days ago, the results of the final exams - second attempt were announced, and many of the students in my class failed and will have to stay in the first grade and study all over again. My friend with whom I did the fun activities like going to the picnic (I'll call her H), having breakfast at the student center, and visiting other colleges in which our friends studied, has failed.. D, the nicest and most humorous student whom I've mentioned a couple of times before, also failed, along with many other students who made our class what it was.
It was not a secret that our class was one of the weirdest.. We had students who were too good, and those who were not so at all. Those in the middle were very rare.

I was very depressed. It's true I had another friend who I liked a lot.. but when it comes to having fun and socializing, my other friend H. was THE one.

We were 50 students in the first grade, now we're only 31, and that's only after adding those who failed the second grade exams and will have to attend it again with us.
There is a system that allows students who have failed in less than 3 subjects to pass while still having to do their exams next year, but it won't add many students to the number.. and H and D have no chance.

Checking out who's failed and who made it was another reason for me to go to college today, I also wanted to check whether we could get the books, and get a copy of our new schedule. Two of my friends came also, and most of the classmates who succeeded.

There wasn't much to do at college, after lots of talking with my friends, and many attempts to decide whether we should come to college again before Eid, I decided to go to mom's college and spend the rest of the time until dad's arrival there.

There were always two possible plans of how I and mom would leave colleges and meet: Iwould either get out and wait for mom and dad in, say, region A, or I would walk to mom's college from which we'll both go out and wait for dad, which was rare..

I went to mom's college, spent time on her laptop surfing the net and talking with her colleagues, all of whom are lecturers at the college.

We then decided it was time to go out and wait for dad. On our way downstairs we heard a loud explosion, seemed like a close bomb car. We went out and saw the smoke, everybody was saying the explosion was in region A, exactly where I'd usually wait for dad. We tried to go out and get to the car but they wouldn't let us, saying there would be shooting. We waited, many trials to call dad failed.. mobile networks do their worse when they're most needed.. finally dad was able to call us, and he said he was ok, barely escaped the explosion.. Few minutes later, we were able to leave.

We decided to go get the kids from the kindergarten lest the roads get blocked and they get stuck.. In the road dad told us how a fellow doctor, and a family friend got kidnapped in his way to the clinic, then the phone rang and my cousin's wife told us that my cousin was injured in the explosion, and that he drove home and needs to be looked at.

Running, I and mom went into the kindergarten and carried Aya and Ayman to the car, and hurried to my cousin's house.

This cousin is the dearest to my heart, no question.. I consider him a brother, and I think no less of him. His continuous pursue to get all the education he could get, and the sacrifices he's made for his family, made me even more proud of him.

As we entered the house, my cousin was sitting in the living room, trying to get himself comfortable and comfort his wife, who I think would've cried if she had the chance that day. I thanked God when I saw him, I was imagining a much worse scene with blood and all. He seemed to have taken his time to change his clothes and clean his wounds.

He was buying watermelon away from his car when the bomb car exploded causing him and the water-melon guy to be thrown away by the pressure. His trousers' tore because of the pressure with the ground which he landed on, he tried to get into the nearest shop, which happened to be full of wailing women and broken glass.. he searched for his car and drove home, fearing that the roads would get blocked before he could leave. He was injured, but he thanks God it only ended at that, since he was too close to the explosion and the shrapnels were raining on them.

He refused to eat and take medicine as long as he can take it, he was determined to fast till dawn.

My sister met us at my cousin's house, she said two policemen arrived dead to the hospital, and few others injured.. It was a pediatric hospital and they couldn't do much to them. She doesn't know what happened to them because she left in a hurry to see the kids and my cousin.

Two other explosions were reported after this one today, in nearby places. 6 were injured and a university lecturer died in this explosion, my cousin not counted, as reported in the news.

I met a classmate of mine in my way to the car with mom and dad before heading to the kindergarten, he says he think our classmates are fine.. I hope they are.

I went home, had a long nap, a terrible headache, and few bites at futoor.. I'm not hungry still.

Just remind me, if ever I make any choice that lengthens the time I spend in Iraq any bit after I finish university.. remind me it's not what I want for myself.
It's not freedom, it's not democracy, it's not anything that has anything good associated with it.. it's pure torment. It's sentencing one's self to death and misery.. it's life in Iraq these days. For I know I will get used to it, to the fact that "normal" has another meaning to it..

I wasn't scared today..
It was like watching a movie. Maybe that's why I never cry now. I am always watching, never doing anything to change anything.. because I can't.